Mummy’s Fault

December 14, 2005 at 5:50 pm

We spent the night at King’s Wife’s place, yet again, since Daddy was away.

Zara and I took the guest’s maid’s room as usual, and both Tuyam and King’s Wife’s maid took the girls’ room next to ours. After tucking Zara in at 9:30pm, and making sure she has pillows all around her to prevent her from accidentally falling, I went downstairs to the study to do some blog surfing.

I told Tuyam that I needed to ‘work’, and asked her to ‘listen out’ for Zara’s cry in the adjoining room when she went to bed.

There I was happily blog surfing, without Daddy or King’s Wife waiting for their turn. At about 11pm, I could hear some noises, a bit like wailing, penetrating the quiet night. The first thing I thought was ‘ghost’ (I’m always very scared to be downstairs alone when everybody is asleep, even in my own home). I could feel a chill down my spine. I stopped what I was doing, and tried to listen again. Shit! It was coming from upstairs, not ghost, but Zara crying! I quickly ran upstairs. The sound of her cry grew louder and louder as I ascended the stairs.

When I entered the room, I found Zara standing on the floor in the dark room. She probably had already been crying for a while, because her voice was coarse. I quickly scooped her up, turned on the lights, almost in a panic, wondered if she’d fallen from the bed and hurt herself.

“Zara, did you fall down?” Of course she didn’t know how to reply. She continued crying! I checked her head, no bumps no red patches, don’t think she knocked her head.
“Zara, where pain pain?” I asked her. She pointed to her chest. Her way of signing to indicate some where is hurting. I went on to check her arms, her legs, but there’s no sign that she’s hurt.
“Zara, scared scared or pain pain?” I asked further. She started patting her chest, an indication to say she’s scared.
“Mummy so sorry, mummy shouldn’t have left you alone in the room.”

All these while of ‘communicating’ to me, she was still crying, and shouting on top of her lungs. I carried her out of the room, so that I have more space to walk about and calm her.

Tuyam then stuck her head out from the girls’ room, “Nangis ya?” (Malay: Crying, is it?)
There was this very strong desire to lash at her, but because I have a wailing baby to calm, I just responded angrily, “You tak dengar ke?” (Malay: You didn’t hear it?).
“Tak, mari saya dukong” (Malay: No, come, let me carry her), she replied.
I just stared at her and said, “You balik tidur la, dia mana mahu you sekarang?” (Malay: You go back to sleep, she won’t want you now).
She stuck her head back into the room, and closed the door.

When Zara cried like this, it is very difficult to calm her. I patted her, rocked her, pacing up and down the corridor. She had her head leaning on my shoulder all the time, but she was still crying. I went back to the room and thought of lying her on the bed to nurse her, but the minute I lifted her away from my body, she wailed loudly. I kept calming her, “Mummy is here, don’t worry, mummy won’t leave you.” However, she just won’t let me separate her body from mine.

I started singing her lullaby, “Hush Little Baby don’t say a word, mummies going to buy you…..” She started calming down, still crying, but more of a sob, head still on my shoulder.

When I finished the song, I stopped and tried to lay her back on the bed again. She looked at me with teary eyes, and pointed her finger to her palm (her MORE sign). So I sang, again and again and again, every time I tried to stop, she would do the MORE sign.

After singing like 10times, I slowly placed her back on the bed, she didn’t protest now, but her hands clung to one of my arm, as though afraid I would leave her. So I laid next to her, arms around her, and patted her, kept telling her it’s alright, her sobs slowly turned to sniffles, and then she fell asleep, still with hands firmly around my arm.

I felt so very bad for the rest of the night, not knowing if she’d fallen or climbed down the bed on her own; not sure her cry was due to pain or fear, or probably both. What a bad mummy I’d been, placing her alone in the dark room and went blog surfing. I need to make sure my Baby Monitor is with me if I ever needed to leave her like that again.

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