Part 7 : Little Zara, At Last

November 11, 2005 at 7:19 pm

We were lucky, we were told. It was a clean miscarriage. Nothing remained in my uterus, everything was ‘expelled’, there was no need to do a D&C (which can be quite damaging to the uterus).

It was actually quite common for people to have miscarriages. 1 in 4 pregnancies, higher risk for people with PCOS; so it seemed. A consolation NOT. It my case, it was most likely caused by the genetic make up of the embroy, nature’s way of purging away bad ‘product’.

Dr JL told us we could start trying again after 3 months. My Chinese Dr told me to try again only after 6 months as I should nurture my body back like someone who’d just given birth; and she prescribed 30days of confinement herbs for me.

I continued my vigorous work out schedule to numb my senses (oh well, I have to admit I enjoyed it as well).

I stopped my fertility treatment, but continued to see the Chinese Dr to nurture my health.

We had sex, for the fun of it, it was no longer scheduled and I didn’t have to lift my legs up for 20minutes after our act.

We celebrated our 5th year anniversary in a remote island and a national park in Thailand for a total of 10days, best trip ever.

I threw a surprise birthday party for Daddy’s 40th birthday. That night, we were merry, he had a few oh-kao (Guiness Stout). He was in high spirit, surrounded by his best friends. When his friends left we went wild, we were all over each other we had mind boggling sex; and sod the condom!

Zara was conceived that night.

On the 1st few weeks of my pregnancy, I was obsessed, I went to the toilet to check for spotting every 30mins. I prayed that I won’t see any streak of blood.

We went to St Anne’s Church to ask for protection and blessing. Promising we would bring our baby here to give thanks if all end up well. I drank the holy water diligently once every week.

The pregnancy was kept hush hush until I saw her heart beat in the ultra sound, and no celebration until much later.

I had to do an amniocentesis on my 16th week because of my age and also because my triple test came back positive. In the test, a long needle has to be poked into my belly to extract amnionic fluid. I was extremely worried, about the skill of the Dr, as well as the damage it could cause.

I was assured by a friend, who worked with a lot of gynaes because of the nature of her job (I only knew her later or I wouldn’t have met the other horrible Drs), that Dr JL is one of the best, because he has a lot of patients, and have a lot of experiance with carrying out the test.

The first attempt, Zara was way too near to the skin of the belly, even with the Dr thumping his fingers on my skin, she wouldn’t move! On the next attempt, I spoke to her before we went to the hospital and asked her to coorperate. In the scan, I could see her actually crouching at one corner. When the long needle was inserted into my tummy deftly, I prayed that she didn’t move a muscle.

The Dr casually said that if the result came back and the baby has genetic defect (Down Syndrome mainly), I could choose to terminate it (Wow, that is soo comforting). It was the longest 3 weeks of my life (to wait for the result)!

When I got the result and knew every thing was fine (and confirmed she’s a girl), we celebrated!

During the rest of the pregnancy, I prayed that she would be strong and healthy and normal (not hideously ugly) every day.

I wanted a vagina delivery. Dr JL did all he could to make sure I have one. When she was delivered, while enduring the pain, I prayed hard that she would be alright, no complication (and please, not now!!).

When I heard her first cry, I forgot about the pain of child birth. When she was placed in my arms and I saw her for the first time, I was overwhelmed with emotions. I cannot describe the feelings I had. I thank God. What I’d gone through was worthwhile, she’s in my arms now, strong and healthy and normal, our little Zara. Daddy’s very belated birthday present.

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Afterthought
Even though the journey has been a long and bumpy one, we have been blessed. She’s our greatest joy.
Occasionally, when we look at this little girl, Daddy and I still can’t believe she’s our daughter.

I didn’t mind sharing my experiance with those who were trying even before I had Zara; but I’m not sure without Zara, would I still have the courage to write this?
People who have tried and wanted to give up, please don’t, I have my story to tell, because if I did, I would not have Zara now.People who have gotten pregnant unplanned and wanted to give up the child, please don’t; count your blessing; there are people who are doing all they can to conceive, so don’t take yours for granted.

I had recommended the Chinese Dr to many people (some of them did get pregnant). Even if she didn’t help you with your conception, she would have made you healthier, so there’s really nothing to loose. If you are interested, here is her address:

Chi Ren Chinese Medical Hall (??)
63A, Jalan Petaling Utama 7,
Batu 7,
Jalan Klang Lama
Tel # 77832341
Pls note she’s closed on both Mon & Tue
Wed~Fri 10am~4pm
Sat~Sun 10am~2pm

Her charges is about RM50 per visit, with 1 week’s herbs and medication.

Part 6 : The Worst Day of My Life

November 11, 2005 at 9:01 am

We were exhilarated. We were going to be parents! Finally! We were eager to share the good news with the world! People were happy for us, knowing how much I’d gone through in recent years. My sister immediately bought 2 maternity dresses for me, even though not the slightest bump had shown yet.

I continued to go to the gym, keened on strengthening myself more because of the pregnancy.

Dr Wong requested me to see him every other day, he wanted to give me some jabs. Only the 3rd jab, I realized he was actually giving me progesterone or ???, it was for making sure I keep my pregnancy (there’s really no evidence that it helps). I said I didn’t need it, I had had enough hormonal jabs/pills. He insisted that I had to take it!

Time to change Dr, Daddy told me, he didn’t like all these hormonal treatment either, and Dr Wong has started making decision without checking with us. We started seeing my BIL’s fishing buddy, Dr Jason Lim (JL) in Sunway medical instead.

I really like Dr JL, he’s very professional (no interruption in between consultation). He never made decision for us. He presented us with facts, and we decide what we wanted to do. He told me I was still very early in my pregnancy, the progesterone jab based on research has not shown to help prevent miscarriages; but if I wanted it, he would administer it, my choice. Our decision was no more hormonal jabs!

2 weeks after I knew I was pregnant, I had light spotting after my work out. It freaked me out! I was in cold sweat, went home, told Daddy about it, and then we started checking books, internet, what this meant. It seemed some pregnant ladies do have spotting, although it may be an indication of a miscarriage, it normally didn’t end up so.

I went to see Dr JL the following day, the baby was still in tact (the dot was still there), so I felt more relieved. Dr JL also said there’s really not much he could do at this stage, unless I wanted the progesterone jab, or I wanted MC to have bed rest. The rest, it’s really up to the pregnancy itself.

After this, I have spotting on and off, sometimes it’s pink streaks of blood, sometimes it’s very brownish discharge (like old blood). Although it disturbed me, I couldn’t do much. I stopped going to the gym, and tried to rest more to help with the pregnancy. I also visited the Dr weekly, just to make sure baby was still alright.

During this time my beloved cat, Charm was sick and was having breathing difficulty. He, who was normally quite greedy, wasn’t eating or drinking, and had not used the litter box for 2 days. Because I was so preoccupied with my own problem, I didn’t bring him to the vet earlier. When I did, the vet claimed that he had pneumonia and failed kidneys. They needed to put him on drips, and recommended he stayed over night in the vet.

I remembered that night, it was raining cats and dogs, with deafening thunder! An image of a very frighten cat occasionally came to my mind. At night, I prayed for my baby and Charm.

The next morning before work, I went to visit Charm with my maid. When we arrived, the reception was looking nervous and mentioned about some miss call she’d placed to me. “What call?” was my replied. And then it occurred to me something must have gone wrong. Before the receptionist could reply, I already had tears in my eyes. Yes, Charm has died, he was found dead in his cage that morning.

I took his stiffen body back and buried him in our back yard. It was like a funeral, both my maid and I crying. I blamed myself, I was busy with my own problems, and brought him to see the vet too late, also, I shouldn’t have left him overnight in the vet, he must have been frightened to death by the thunderstorm.

The same afternoon, while still grieving, I saw a blotch of blood on my underwear when I went to the toilet. I started trembling, what did this mean? Am I loosing the baby? I called Daddy home, and we went to the hospital together. It was however, Dr JL’s surgery day, so we saw another Dr.

The other Dr did the scan, the little dot was still there (though still no heart beat for an 8 week old baby, but then we might have calculated our dates wrongly). He suggested I take a progesterone jab, just to be on the safe side. We agreed, anything to help!

I was so dispirited when I got home; I laid in bed with very red and swollen eyes. While Daddy was sitting next to me, consoling me, I felt spasm of pain in my abdomen. I was crying, for Charm, and also because I was very worried about the baby. The spasm became worse, it was like a contraction, it was painful. I was telling Daddy it hurt so much, and I didn’t know what was happening. And then the pain just stopped, as suddenly as it started. I was sighing in relieve, luckily nothing happened, so I thought! I drifted to sleep.

When it was time for dinner, I went first to the toilet to pee. When I sat on the toilet bowl, I felt something dripping out, and then a plop! I looked, and to my horror, I saw this dark blood clot in a lighter pool of blood in the toilet bowl. I reached to retrieve the blood clot; what I saw in my hand was a piece of liver like flesh, the size of 20cent coin. I could feel the blood draining from my face, I was shaking, I shouted for Daddy. Tears was pouring down.

It was our 8 week old baby, just expelled out from my body, the same day as I lost my beloved cat. I screamed in my mind, “God, why this? Why happen to me? After 5years of waiting and THIS?”

It was the worst day of my life.

Part 5 : The Good News

November 10, 2005 at 5:00 pm

I was considered to be weak healthwise, always had migraine, sometimes even faint spell (low blood pressure). In 2002, after a 2 weeks part holiday part working trip to Beijing, I contracted a very bad Urinary Tract Infection (from a public toilet with wooden barrel as toilet bowl).

I was peeing blood on the last few days of my trip, and down with fever when I got back. On the 4th day, when my fever didn’t subside, I was hospitalized. 5 long days in the hospital! I thought I was dying because I was drifting in and out of consciousness. I had the strongest antibiotic administered intravenously (Ciprobay, which is used for HIV patients).

When I got out of the hospital, although no longer feverish, I was extremely weak. I decided to take control of my health! I started working out and ate sensibly.

We were still trying for a baby, sex has become a routine or duty. We did it on the days I thought I was ovulating. It’s no longer spontaneous, or romantic. Every time I see a pregnant lady’s bump, I eyed it with envy.

In June, we went to see the Fertility guru, Dr Colin Lee.

Dr CL was a busy man, in our short 15mins with him, he was interrupted numerous times by his admin assistant regarding other appointments (even while he was doing pap smear on me). Anyway, he saw our records, heard what I’d done, and just declared that there’s really nothing else he could do for us except IVF. For questions, he directed us to his consultants.

The consultant shared with us all we needed to know, including the cost, which was RM15K to RM25K, depending on my response to hormonal treatment and the complexity of the situation. Although their success rates were relatively high, it would still be a gamble. Multiple birth was highly possible. RM25K was an issue, but what bothered me most was the possibility of having multiple babies. I could accept twins, but I shuddered at the thought of having triplets or quadruplets or septuplets!! (Can you imagine nursing septuplets??!!)

We left the centre wondering what our next move would be. After discussing about this, we thought we would give ourselves an ultimatum. 6months! If I still couldn’t concieve, we would go for IVF.

At this same time, one of my friends’ sister had just given birth with the ‘tuning’ of a Chinese Dr. My friend suggested I go try her out (she recommended the Dr to me a while back but I thought these were all mumbo jumbos, so I didn’t bother earlier).

Since I was still relatively weak, I thought I’d go checked the Dr out, if not for my fertility problem, at least I could get some herb or tonic from her to improve my health.

On our first visit to the Dr, we felt very comfortable (unlike all the other Drs we’d seen). After feeling my pulse and looking at my tongue, she said it was actually the heat in my body that was causing me unable to concieve. She prescribed me some herbs which she warned when taken would cause sever headaches when the ‘heat’ was released from my body.

It was true, the day I took the medicine, I had the worse migraine ever, as though some one was sawing my brain the whole night. However, in the morning, I felt healthier already. I started seeing her every week (what did I have to loose?), to get her to tune my body; she prescribed different concoction of bitter herb, depending on how well my body responded to the previous dose.

In August, I joined a gym because it was having a promotion in response to my resolution to get healthier. To get the most out of what I’d paid, I tried to go there everyday after work.

One morning in late August 2003, about 1 month after I’d started seeing the Chinese Dr, I was just doing the pregnancy test casually since my period was 1 week late. After immersing it in urine, I left the toilet and got ready for work. I asked Daddy what he saw on the strip after 5minutes as he was using the toilet.
He shouted “2 lines”.
I dropped whatever I was doing, shouted back, “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, 2 lines.” He replied, “Anyway, what does it mean?”
To confirm (although in my heart was pounding wildly), I quickly dug out the instruction leaflet from the pregnancy kit, and read it again. I shouted back excitedly “It means I am pregnant!”
Daddy popped his head out with this grin, “Are you sure?”

I really don’t know. Can the test be wrong? Can I be so lucky? I mean I’d been trying for 5years, for God’s sake, and every time I dipped the damn strip into my urine, it only showed 1 line. Never 2 lines, NEVER. I called up Dr Wong immediately for an appointment.

The pregnancy test in Dr Wong’s clinic showed positive too, with a very faint 2nd line, and we saw a small dot on the scan. I still couldn’t believe it. I further did a Beta HCG blood test, which will definitely confirm the pregnancy. Half a day later, the hospital called me to say it’s positive. I was about 5 weeks pregnant! You can’t imagine how happy I was. I was almost dancing.

That was about 15months before Zara was born.

Part 4 : The Various Procedures

November 9, 2005 at 5:50 pm

February, 2002 (after 3 years wasted), on our first visit to Dr Wong, I already had in mind that I wanted to do the laparoscopy. Upon showing all my records, tests done, and another ultra sound by him, he confirmed the earlier diagnosis.

We talked about laparoscopy, he boasted that he’s an expert in this area, and had given talks to UM Medical students on this topic and also had done a lot of laparoscopies throughout his medical career. He said for my case, he would do a Laparoscopic ovarian drilling (ovarian diathermy), the recommended procedure for PCOS patient, just as what Dr Liew mentioned.

I told him I wanted to do it as soon as possible, since I’d already wasted enough time; he put me in his calendar for next week.

The following week, I admitted into Pantai Hospital, went under general anesthetic, and have my laparoscopic ovarian drilling done. Dr Wong was quite good, the stitches clean and straight, and the 3 wounds were small, all below bikini line. He mentioned that there were no complications, and recommended I start trying again after a month, to allow my wound to fully heal.

Meanwhile he suggested that we do another semen analysis test. This time however, Daddy didn’t have to do it in a public toilet. He was allowed bring home the bottle, ‘harvest’ the specimen first thing in the morning, and within an hour, bring the bottle back to the hospital. His test further proved that there’s nothing wrong with him.

When I was ready to start trying again, he recommended that I have more Clomid to speed things up. That will ensure more than 1 egg is released, and my chances of getting pregnant will increased. This time, the Clomid dose was double! Some of the side effects of taking such a high dose of Clomid included blurred vision (while walking, sometimes, I had to stop to balance. It was THAT bad) and very bad pain on the sides of the abdomen just before ovulation (it was like someone continuously punching you on the side).

We went through this 2 cycles and nothing happened, so more tests have to be done. On the next cycle, during the time of ovulation, we had to have sex in the morning, then go to his clinic immeidately for a check for the sperm livelihood within me. From these test, he found that my ‘discharge’ was not thin enough. He metaphorically explained that it’s like the sperm has entered the ‘lobby’ (cervix) but there’s no ‘lift’ (my discharge) to bring the sperm up to my egg.

So, the next procedure was recommended; I have to go for Intra-uterine Insemination (IUI) or artificial insemination. Dr Wong even asked if I wanted to do sex selection for the baby since it’s possible with this method. I told him I just wanted a baby, the sex of the child is of no importance.

To prepare myself, I had to had more Clomid, and on the calculated date of ovulation, I went to the hospital to get a scan to confirm I was about to ovulate.

Upon confirmation, Daddy ‘harvested’ his semen the following morning and sent it to the hospital lab for ‘washing’. I had to go to the hospital in the afternoon. The Dr inserted this long straw like syringe into my vagina, and injected the washed semen into the cervix (not at all comfortable, you can imagine just looking at the tube used), then I laid still for about an hour before I left for home.

We anxiously awaited for the pregnancy to happen, but I got my period 2 weeks after that.

I did another round of IUI, this time, the washed semen was injected right at the opening of the fallopian tube, to increase the chance (later, I found that with this method, you actually risk severing your fallopian tube). Alas, 2 weeks later, I bled again.

We were disappointed, naturally. It seemed that the next step we have to go for is In-Vitro Fertilisation (IVF).

That was when we heard about Dr Collin Lee, the famous IVF specialist in Damansara Fertility Centre. We have testimony of friends’ friends who went and did IVF under him, and who are now happy parents.

We checked out the prices (~RM20K), calculated to see if we could afford the procedure; talked to people to see what kind of discomfort it would caused (of course after all the procedure I’d been through, nothing can really scare me now).

What happened next, became the turning point of my life.

Part 3 : Finally, the Diagnosis

November 8, 2005 at 10:06 pm

It was quite disgusting to know what kind of medical practitioners we have in our country. Some are really out there to extort us. After seeing 2 Drs, and paid almost RM1500 in total, we still didn’t know what my problem was.

One of Daddy’s colleagues knew we have been seeing gynaes who weren’t empathetic with our problem. The next Dr we went to was highly recommended by her. She said her gynae was a very honest Dr and should be able to help us.

Dr Liew was based in Asunta Hospital, and true enough was an honest bloke. He checked through all the tests that we’d done, and listened to my problem. He did a scan. Took out a pictorial chart, and started giving us a lesson on causes of infertility and what he suspected was wrong with me. Based on my symptoms (irregular period, high LH in my blood test), and the scan which showed lots of darken dots close to the wall of the ovaries, he said I was having Polycystic Ovaries (PCOS in short ). My eggs did not mature and got released from the Ovaries, and hence the dark dots (gathered around the walls of the ovaries) and the irregular period.

Dr Liew also told me to fix PCOS, I had to do a laparoscopy, where the Dr would drill holes in the ovaries (for the egg to be released). Before we went there, he wanted to know if my fertility was caused by any other thing like a blocked fallopian tube, because some PCOS patients are still able to have children unaided.

He suggested I do a Hysterosalpinogram or HSG, which was actually to pump dye into my uterus, take an x-ray shot, then check if all passages (fallopian tubes mainly) were clear.

All his explanation, steps of diagnosis sounded logical. So I immediately scheduled a HSG. I got my result very fast, it was good, my tubes were intact and no blockage.

Dr Liew suggested that I try without surgery first, by taking ovulation drugs to increase the chance. So I was put on Clomid (or Clomiphene).

While having Clomid, it regulated my period (which meant the egg was released), but I could feel a pain in one of the ovaries every time I ovulated (this sensation later help me to realize when I ovulate). We were supposed time our intercourse. So we did it, scheduled, mechanically, and I lifted my legs high up at the end of it to prevent the sperm from flowing out (my own logic). It was no fun!

After 3 rounds of Clomid, no luck, and every time I went back to Dr Liew, he didn’t seem to suggest to do the laparoscopy. When I brought it up, he recommended more Clomid (till when?).

Someone at this point recommended a Malay Dr to me, she said he’d helped many Malay women to conceive after many years of trying. Daddy told me I should stick to Dr Liew, but I was too impatient, so I switched Dr again.

This Dr gave me the same diagnosis as Dr Liew. PCOS was my problem. And just like Dr Liew, he suggested I took Clomid, laparoscopy could wait. I took 2 more cycles of Clomid.

One of my ex colleagues who’d been trying for a child for 5years brought news to us that she’d conceived. Now, all these while I knew she was trying, but she had never suggested to us that she had a problem (even when we asked). She just said she tried, maybe due to stress at work, she never conceived, so she quit.

While bringing this good news to us, she shared her story, she had endometriosis and told me she had a laparoscopy done, and 3 months later, she conceived. I quickly got more information from her about laparoscopy (Painful? How big were the wounds? ) and the Dr she went to (Was he good? Which hospital he is from?).

Since my friend’s Dr, Dr Wong, is from Pantai, Bangsar, and both my brother’s daughters were born there, I asked King’s Wife if she knew that Dr my friend went to. Coincidentally, Samanta, my youngest niece, was delivered by Dr Wong, and King’s Wife’s said he’s quite good, nothing close to Versace, or the dodgy Dr I went to earlier.

When I got home, I told daddy about this, it seemed that I cannot escape having a laparoscopy done.

So we scheduled an appointment and went to see Dr Wong in Pantai.

Part 2 : The Dr with the sexy toilet

November 7, 2005 at 7:15 pm

After the Pudu Dr’s ordeal, I told Daddy the next Dr we saw, I would leave it to him to decide what needed to be done.

People unfortunately never talked about the issue of infertility openly, especially when they themselves are experiencing it. We tried to tell friends that we’re trying but have not been successful, and would like to get a Dr to diagnose our problem. So the Drs recommended to us were normal gynaes, friend who went for operation to remove a cist, friends who got a baby delivered by a good Dr.

The next Dr we went to was from Taman Desa Medical Centre. We nick named him Versace because he wore this conspicuous Versace studded belt all the time (we should have fled when we first spotted that BELT). On our first visit, I visited the toilet.

The toilet in his clinic was pasted with photos of female in various provocative outfit and poses (some even topless, with only G-strings on, worse than these photos). In my mind I was thinking we might have come to the right place. He must be a fertility specialist, and this was where he got his male patients to jerk off collect specimen for semen analysis test. I was quite excited and told Daddy what I saw in the toilet, I told him he might need to use that probably in later visits.

When we got to see Versace, he did an ultra sound scan and then said he needed to do some blood test to check if I have thyroid or any hormonal imbalance. Sounded like a logical thing to do.

We went to collect the blood test result the next visit. The results seemed to show that I have very high level of LH (luteinizing hormone). Versace told me that what he would like to do next was a laparoscopy. He explained that it will be an operation with 3 small incisions, one on both sides of my pelvic area, another on the belly button. A scope would be placed into my uterus via the belly button. This was to check if I had a cist, since my scan showed there’s some bulges around the ovaries, and my hormone wasn’t that balanced. An operation proposed on my second visit? Did he just buy a BMW which he wanted someone to sponsor? We were wary, so we said we had to think about it.

He said while we think about it, he wanted Daddy to provide a sample of his sperm for semen analysis to ensure the problem didn’t lie with him. I was surprised Daddy didn’t even protest, and agreed to do it (maybe because of the sexy toilet I told him about). We agreed to come back the following week to see Versace and check on Daddy’s result.

When we got out to the reception area, we paid and asked for the bottle for the semen analysis. The receptionist told us we have to go down to the lab to get the bottle, and submit our ‘specimen’ there. “You mean you don’t do it here in THAT sexy toilet?” I pointed to the toilet in the clinic. The lady just told me curtly, “NOPE”.

Alright, we were conned (up till today I still wonder, if THAT toilet was not meant to be used by men to collect their sperm, what were those provocative photos for? For Versace’s own private viewing? Or to encourage ‘dirty’ men to visit the gynae with their wives?). While walking to the lab, I asked Daddy if he was sure he wanted to do it. I was feeling embarrassed for him. Unlike a lot of other husbands who never wanted to do such tests for whatever reason (I think a lot to do with ego), Daddy was very cooperative. He said we needed to get to the root of the problem.

The person who dealt with us in the lab wouldn’t even look us in the eye, he just took the chit of paper from the Dr and passed a small bottle to Daddy. When we asked where we could do the deed, the person just pointed, still not looking at us, “There, in that public toilet over there”. We followed his finger, and found the toilet.

I peeked and saw that it was a very small cubicle, with a basin and a toilet bowl and probably it was just 5x4feet. A wisp of ammonia filled my nostril. Gosh, I can’t even do a dump here, let alone masturbate! I asked Daddy if he was sure about this. He nodded and went in bravely. I felt so sad for him, at the same time I was feeling so proud. He was willing to do this for US. How he managed to ‘do’ it, I don’t know (I was even knocking on the door to ask him if he needed help), he must have very good imagination; he came out 10mins later with the precious specimen. We left the hospital after sending the bottle in.

The following week when we visited Versace again, he told us Daddy’s result was good, so I must be the problem. Over the weekend, Versace probably bought something more expensive and needed more sponsorship. What he proposed next infuriated Daddy. He said I must immediately go for my laparoscopy, and if I didn’t do it soon and decide later, he threatened that he would do a 6 inches incision instead of a 3 (small) holes laparoscopy, so he could diagnose and fix the problem at the same time.

Daddy was crossed! He asked Versace what he meant by that. We didn’t even know the problem, and he’s already saying he would do a 6 inch incision on me. Their exchanging of words started getting louder and harsher. I was feeling uneasy about the whole thing. I told Versace we would think about it and dragged Daddy out.

We never returned.

Part 1 – The visits to the Back Lane Doctor

November 6, 2005 at 11:24 pm

Daddy and I got married end of 1998 after courting for 6years. We decided to try for a baby immediately since both of us were not that young any more. Little did we know it would take us another 6 years before we have a baby in our arms.

I never used to have regular menstrual cycle since I first got my period, in a year, sometimes, I only got 2 periods; but it never bothered me (less PMS, fewer ‘inconveniences’, why bother?). My mum brought me to see several gynaes about my ‘problem’, but I never really paid attention to what the Drs said, and the treatment was always to put me on the (contraceptive) pill to regulate my cycle, which I didn’t really take because the first time I took it, I put on ~ 10Kg in a month!

After close to a year of trying, with the irregular period and all, needless to say, we didn’t succeed. One of my close friend suggested that I go to this famous Dr in Pudu for treatment. She had an aunt who was not able to conceive after 7years of trying and after getting treated by this Dr, she had a baby.

Maybe I was very naïve, or I trusted this friend so much, I went to this run down Clinic for women in Pudu with her. The Dr was an elderly and suspicious looking man. One ultra sound scan on the belly, and he said he knew what my problem was. I had to come back the following week for a simple procedure.

Daddy, who was very doubtful, told me I needed to really find out what my problem was, what ‘procedure’ the Dr was talking about. I must be so desperate I had a row with him, I told him this was a good Dr, he had many success cases, we just had to trust him etc. He budged when he knew he wouldn’t be able to convince me.

I went back the next week with Daddy. When it was our turn to see the Dr, Daddy tried to ask the Dr what my problem was, and what he was going to do. The Dr mumbled something (which didn’t make sense to both of us), I stared at Daddy and whispered through seething teeth “I’m doing it!”.

What happened after was pretty frightening. I don’t know why I was so gullible and stubborn, and willing to go ahead with the Dr’s plan, whatever it was.

After he’d paid, Daddy was told to wait in the waiting room with all the rest of heavily made up, skimpily dressed ladies with multi coloured hair; while I was asked to take off all my clothings, and put on only a hospital robe, then I was brought into a room. The room was curtained into two sections. I was asked to lie down on a bed and propped my legs up. I saw on the other side of the curtain, another lady was propped up the same as me. I was getting scared, what the hell he was going to do to us propped up like that? I didn’t get to find out, because immediately after that, a mask was put over me, and I drifted off to unconsciousness.

When I woke up, I was already in a ward filled with other semi conscious ladies. I asked for Daddy. They went to get him. When he came in to join me, he looked worried. It has been more than 5hours since he waited. They wouldn’t let him see me before I awaken. What did the Dr do to me? Did he know? He said he didn’t. I didn’t as well. I only felt a pain in the abdomen area, and I knew I was bleeding down there, and I was still feeling dizzy, everything was still in a daze.

A nurse came to say I could leave now. We walked out of the ward, back into the Dr’s waiting area. I wobbled to the reception area and asked if we could see the Dr. The nurse said he was very busy, many patients more to see. We demanded to know what was done to me. The nurse mumbled something. “What is it? What is the procedure called?” I asked, flustered. She continued to mumbled something, a term we’d not heard before. I asked her to write it down to me. Because I was feeling really weak, we didn’t pursue the matter and went back home.

When we got back, we searched the net, we could not find anything on the ‘procedure’ done on me. I forgot what the term given to us was. I believed the term never existed. I suspected what had been done to me was a D&C; that the Dr was a famous Dr for getting rid of unwanted pregnancies.

Up till today, what really was done to me in that room remains a mystery. I never wanted to go back to that shit place. I never forgave myself for being so foolish. To think that I was once so stupid! What if something went wrong and I was never able to have a baby. What if he was a sick man who did things to his patients when they were knocked out. The terrible possibilities were there.

How it all started

November 6, 2005 at 11:18 pm

Zara is coming to 1year old, and it’s really a great joy having her.

As a ‘special’ for her coming one year old birthday, instead of writing about her birth story, I’ll write about how we ‘got’ Zara.

We tried many years to have a baby, and almost gave up hope. Here is how it all went, our 6 7 part journey to discovering and treating infertility and finally having Zara.

Since this is long ‘story’, I’ll post 1 part per day on top of my regular post (if there’s anything interesting happening).

Do read on if it interest you.

Fertility and Breastfeeding don’t mix?

October 27, 2005 at 10:34 pm

I went for a health screening today in SJMC (egghead’s post ‘inspired’ me to quickly went to make an appointment), the company is paying for it (entitled yearly), but I added cancer marker test, and had to fork out RM200+ extra to do it .

When I was doing my pepsmear test, the gyny, looking at my age, asked me how many kids I have.
Me : “One”
Gyny : “How old is your child?”
Me : “11 months”
Gyny : “Not going for 2nd one?”
Me : “Want to, trying” (have to join in the current trend, so many mummies who have babies born in the year of monkey are pregnant)
Gyny : “Good, because for your age, you should not wait too long.”
Me : “I’m still breast feeding, is it ok to try?”
Gyny : “11 month old?? So long, better stop already! (aren’t medical practitioners supposed to promote breast feeding?). Moreover, if you want to try, you have to, because you may not have eggs released if you are breast feeding.”
Me : “But WHO advises mothers to breast feed their child till 2yrs old”
Gyny : “This is for children in Africa or Cambodia, who are under nourish.”
yada yada yada..

Hmm.. I’ll have to do more research on the fertility and breastfeeding don’t mix part. Going to check with my own gyny in Sunway Medical.

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