Does Your Child Do This To You?
Malaika’s mummy tagged me couple of weeks ago, asking if I spare the rod when disciplining my girls.
I don’t own a cane at home and I try not to smack Zara. However, at times when she really pushes me to the limit, I will smack her on the buttocks; E.g. the time when she pinned Zaria to the ground when Zaria tried to reach for a toy she’s holding; or when she broke an item in the house even though I’d repeatedly told her not to touch it.
Most of the time, when she’s misbehaving, I’ll put her in the naughty corner, set the timer, and told her she can only get out when the timer alarm goes off. Sometimes, she will even go there on her own when she knows she’s done something wrong.
Last 2 days, she really drove me up the walls. Not so about her behaviour, but the way she talked back. When we told her off for some mischief she’s done, she said something like this, “Hush!†“I don’t want to talk about it, ok?â€, then turned her head to face the opposite side.
Then yesterday, when she lifted her dress in a busy shopping mall, and later pulled down her dress so that her body was in full view of passer by, both Daddy and I told her, “Zara, that’s not a very nice thing to do in public ok? You are a girl, please don’t show people your underwear or your body like that.†She sulked big time, refusing to hold my hand when we walked to the car. Didn’t want to sit on her car seat on our journey home, folded her arms and faced the car door throughout.
I tried to coax her, by saying she’s our daughter, and we were only saying that so she knew right from wrong. She replied, “I’m not your daughter. Zaria is your daughter. I am kakak’s daughter.â€
Daddy said she must be tired (she didn’t nap the whole day) and becoming irrational. I tried to coax her still, by offering my hand for her to hold, by saying, “Come on, lets give each other a hugâ€. I must be in one of my more ‘zen’ state, because when she scratched my hand twice, and then slapped my face, I didn’t smack her. I issued my last statement, “We are a family, so please don’t behave like that, ok?†She pointed at me, daring me, and she said these slowly, “You  and  I  are  not  family!â€
That’s it. I walked away. Very very upset (actually I was really hurt!). That was when she cried and shouted, “I WANT MUMMY!†“MUMMY I’M SORRY!….WAAAAH†And tried to hug me and not let me go.
Daddy said I shouldn’t take it too personally, she’s only 3 year old, and she is just like me, when I’m tired, I like to use words to retaliate which I later regret.
This is The Look she gives, when she talks back
Does your child do that to you? What would you have done if you were me? Should I invest in a cane now?
mmmm…..seriously, i need to absorb and assess the situation before i start commenting…will be back.
Oh Dear, I wanna hug her in that picture. And you too..sayang both…Zara and Mama.
shern also fold his arms tight and show me the piggy mouth pattern when he gets angry.
wow, zara can really think of such a thing to say hor..so mean to mommy. but i’m sure she didn’t mean it. kids, always find their way to get back at us. but if shern scratch my hands and slap my face, he sure get canning from me. 100%.
ouch….i felt your pain too……afterall this mumy is so patience yet…..
this is the age to expect more retaliation…..so when u expect it more, the more u r willing to accept & deal with it….
my boys did that too…..not so much ‘verbally’ but ‘physically’ ….lagi painful and being a hot temper me…usually smack him back ‘kau-kau’ but pls dun follow me………hahaha, i know it can be -ve but just can’t help with my anger…….
good luck for you though…….
oops.forgot to say..i’ve got a tag for you.
http://babyshern.blogspot.com/2007/12/twenty-interesting-questions.html
oh well .. our so called “rotan” is actually the stick that is attached to the freebie balloons ..
and my hubby will do the smacking but this rarely happen ..
*hugs zara and the mom*
ouch..if faythe said that to me I’ll be so hurt as well like you…in fact past month I had many dramas with her of which she refuse to even look at me when I go pick her up from MIL’s place, but that was a phase, now she’s OK..very jovial.
when i think back, i guess sometimes my words sound harsh too and maybe she pick it up from me…
hey, but no worries, they sleep they wake up next day, mommy still the best ;).
I just salivated at your Christmas pudding post! I wanna try it when you post the recipe up…you make it look so easy. Drip, drip, drip
Hope Zaria’s OK already. Poor thing! So cute the way she calls you Ma-mee 🙂
Hmm…my 23 month old is also like that. When he’s tired/hungry, he’ll slap my face or my hand. When I warn him with a stare or scolding, he’ll be defiant. After the naughty corner or sent to the room, the wailing will start and then he’ll run over with a hug and cheek-to-cheek. Same kua?
your post got me thinking for a while. i realised i’m not the discipliner at home. my husband is. yep, he will smack the kids with his hand (on their leg, hand, buttock) when the kids go overboard. we don’t have a cane at home too. however, my boys are more afraid of me than my hubby if i ever get angry with them. i guess i do have the ‘one stare and i’m gonna melt your face’ look but i’m more of those type that love to cuddle cuddle, kiss kiss, with lotsa of huggies with my kids…..the very human touch affectionate kind. not sure whether it’s good or bad but it’s kinda contagious…i notice my hubby do that to now. he hold and kiss the kids a lot… and my boys adore him. even tho’ we spend only whatever leftover time after work with the kids, they prefers ‘us’ over anybody else. they are very close to my babysitter and my PIL love and spoilt them but nothing come close to parents love.
anyway, kids being kids…sometime they do things that they don’t mean it but probably just to get your attention. i think she is just acting out to get your attention. the minute you walk away, she is all good again. so, don’t take it too personally. Zara is a VERY smart girl and for a girl as smart as her, she knows how much her mummy love her-prob that’s why she is using it as weapon 2u now 😛
seriously, don’t take it too personally. you are a great mum and it will recognise by her one day.
It’s tough being a parent sometimes… I suppose this is the downside to all those other upsides. Positive vs Negatives.. There’s a very famous song from the Sound of Music.. These are a few of my favorite things.. 🙂
oh dear, i think if Abby said that to me i will be bawling my eyes out! I thought you handled it very very well, but maybe it’s time to invest in that rotan…?
just for show lahh…frighten her a bit 😉 (For now anyway)
u r a really patient mom. dun take it personally .. i’m sure zara dun mean it. its a phase she’s doing thru .. discovering feelings and all. denisha is now in a phase that she’s talking back to me too but she knows her limits and when she does that, i’ll just look at her and she’ll quickly say something to cover herself. sometimes, i think to myself .. am i such a scary mom? i dun have to lay my hands on them .. just look them in the eyes and they’ll get the picture. and yes i have a cane at home .. i did a tag about this .. http://littledarlings.twinilla.com/?p=259
dun worry … before u realise it .. this phase will pass and she’ll be ok again.
You’re very patient, Agnes, and what i lack is patience. The way you deal with Zara’s tantrum is what i hope i’ll be able to do so when Damien misbehave…but alas, whenever he ‘transform’ to his defiant and monstrous self, i just lost my cool as well, and out came the cane…
Although daddy is the one who disciplines him most of the time, my boy would still say things like ‘i don’t love you, i love daddy and didi only’…it hurts big time, though i know he didn’t mean it…it isn’t easy being parents huh…but you’re doing very well, really…and i’m sure Zara loves you dearly… 🙂 *hugs*
no need to buy la. yr daughter obviously take words better than cane. U are very patient can words la. for me cannot la.. i dun have the patience..
ermm..i get it very often wor..” I dun like mommy..I hate you mommy”..mainly because I am very strict with her.. Sometimes it does hurt …
awww… how heart-wrenching it is when kids talk back like that, especially to their parents! but you know they don’t mean it, they love you to the ends of the world. 🙂
I haven’t heard anything like that from my kids, but i don’t think cane is necessary. If we have always wanted to bring up our kids who’s willing to speak up their minds, maybe we should expect something like that too when they are angry. But if we let them know about what words are more appropriate, maybe they won’t say things as bad as that next time. Just my 2 cent lah…
whoa whoa whoa…she is a feisty lil gal….hmmmm..very heart-ache to hear Zara say that about you and her not a family….kids these days….i’m sure she didnt’ mean it but I know..the thought that she even knows how to say those kinda thigns makes you wonder what more they are capable of….
Zara’s a really smart girl…(not to say I am encouraging her to talk bak to her mommy la…:) )
ohmigoodnessme…she slapped ur face???!! that’s a bit too much really. the way u wrote ur story, i could oso feel my blood rising. if i were u, i would had ask her to pack up n follow kakak back to indonesia, lol. a 3 y/o seems like such a tender age for the cane though… but if this kind of behaviour persist for another yr or 2, u get my vote for it!
it’s easier for men not to take it personally, but how could such mean words n acts not hurt a mother one little bit? for a stay at home working mom especially…really maximum stress. aih, it’s tough being a woman.
Hi there. its been awhile i didnt stop by ur blog. nway, somehow ur post, this particular post moves me. to make the story short, right now, im staying with my cousin and his family (two girls aged 5 and 3) in singapore here. And honestly, they’re being a very good parents towards the two girls but somehow, the girls seems like ‘pijak kepala’ and they dont do anything abt it. maybe too sayang the girls till the point cant cane them.
But overdoing it, the kids might think they have authority and they thought they can ‘pijak kepala’ anyhow they want. It drives me crazy knowing my cousin and his wife being so d*mn patient towards the girls. i tink thats too much. Sometimes kids at these age need to be dicipline esp young age. pinch or cane wud be alright. when they grew bigger they’ll know what they’ll get if they misbehave.
i still remember whenever i misbehave, my mum will just give me a stern look from her eyes, and the next thing u know, i kept quiet. because i know, her stern look is like a hint she gonna spank me.
🙂
Hi Agnes, it has been a while I visited u … aww… busy busy busy… the baby u thought was mine is actually my nephew 🙂
Hmm.. to answer your question:- yes I think it is necessary to use the rod, do not spare the rod and regret later as this age is where all behaviour and habits form. No offence or anything because each parents have their disciplining method. For me (or us), we use the rod if Grace talked back (so far she didn’t) because she shows disrecpect to her parents. If she didn’t obey or stretch over the line with repeated warnings (max3times), she’ll also get the rod. I wouldn’t see it as a punishment… it is a training process and in the training process, it does hv the correction and disciplining (the rod) stages.
Ok… better not be too longwinded… overall, I think using the rod on her bum (with each time increasing the strength) she will also learn that her mommy means business with her instruction.
Take care 😉
Here’s a *nice* award for Christmas!
i think sometimes kids uses the words we adults used on them when we are angry, and when they dont feel like it, they will re-phrase and use it back on us. dont you think so?
oscar too is giving me a hard time nowadays cos he is good at keeping numb or better still, whenever i scolded him for something he has done, he’d pack his lil bag and stuff his pjs and books and water bottle and said he wants to go back to my mom’s place. and now that he knows my mom’s tel no., he’ll ring my mom and ask my mom to come to his rescue.
you see kids are like this; they want to be consoled most of the time, they dont like us to hush them or tell them off. see, they are like us adults, but we adults are more sane in handling problems compare to them.
happy parenting friend.
i forgot, yeah, the cane is a must for those really bad times. i dont really use it on oscar but more like scaring him… so my rod is always at sight as a reminder for him…
Each time I read about what you have written about Zara, I see my eldest in her. They are so alike. She’s 5 now and still giving me a lot of hard time, saying things that really hurts. I don’t think cane really works, what work best is to just walk away and ignore her and she will be back giving me all the hugs and kisses.
When I read this post, it really reminded me of a 4yo little girl I know. And I can see how you would have felt hurt by the comments. We are all mothers afterall, and we do give a lot to our kid/s and a lot of it is our endless love. Zara is actually a clever girl, with a good insight of you, your feeling and she has also worked out what to do to make you feel sad, hurt or angry. A child of this nature can usually pick up feelings/vibes very easily. In such cases, we have always been advised to remain upbeat, ignore and walk away from her negative behaviour/situations. By continuing to coax, talk to her when she misbehaves her only gives her the negative attention she wants. So, divert your attention to the younger sibling whom might be quietly reading a book, but not making a big fuss of it. Leave her alone for a while until she is ready to be part of the family activities. But speak to her about her inappropriate behaviour, and follow up with some form of discipline, whether it be a time out for her, taking away a priviledge for a day, giving 2 warnings and 3 warning is a time out/sitting down on a quiet spot with no eye contact with anyone..She is smart enough to know she was wrong, so she will also know that any disciplinary action is due to her negative behaviour.
But always remember that, it is the negative behaviour we need to correct, not her, but the behaviour. So continue to love her unconditionally, but focus on guiding her behaviour.
she is mature for her age,,
Jeriel did talk like that sometimes but not sure he meant it or not….
I’m not sure about raising a girl but when I was raising Angelus it was hard none the less. Furthermore , at that time, I was raising him myself only being that my parents were there only to help me financially, providing the meals but when it comes to raising my son Angelus, my parents respected how I raised him.
Yes, he was naughty alright but only sometimes that is. He is a good boy most of the time. When he does go overboard that is, I really couldn’t give face … couldn’t give in … scold is scold. I’d 1st scold him with a stern and serious voice together with my face being really serious and looking into his eyes; not blinking. I won’t raise my voice when I tell him off but the way and the intonation of how I speak to him – or scolding him that is as well as stare into my boy’s eyes, is as though I’m trying to scare him and ensure he remembers what I say and take it seriously. If that doesn’t work, then only I’ll spank him but not really hard. The spanking comes in not too often.
I’d give a few minutes for a breather, I’ll leave him be … I’ll do my thing and then come back to him. Talk to him nicely again and then tell him why I scolded him … why he shouldn’t do what he did or say what he said and what not … and then sayang him balik.
Kid is always a kid, i guess Zara didn’t mean to hurt you by saying so. Afterall, you are a good, patient mommy!!
Z1 is a smart girl and she sure knows how to pull at your heartstring. Maybe she’s just testing you to see which button to push that will ultimately throw you over. (You know, like when we fight with our husband/boyfriend in the earlier dating stage — gotta test the water to see how far we can go…)
PS: I think you’re a great mom — so patient.
oh wow really admire your patience and the way you handled that particular situation. but i guess most of the time the older kid behave like this due to jealousy of the younger sibling…tough..
They don’t call them terrible threes for nothing ;). Have you tried “hands are not for hurting. words are not for hurting.”?
I think as parents we forget that our children are just that – children, and oftentimes it’s more an issue of failure of communication, to reduce our thoughts, feelings and actions to words, words that kids can understand.
Comparing Malaysian and American ways of raising kids, I find that we (as Malaysians) don’t seem to use a lot of words and tend to always jump to the conclusion that our kids are children, hence they won’t understand (and hence resorting to the most incommunicative solution of all – pain and fear) instead of trying to find the words to label, identify each emotion and frustration (I am jealous, I am sad, I am angry with you) so that instead of hitting or crying or screaming, they use those words. In the end, I believe it’s just the frustration of not being able to tell you what they’re going through.
I spent the last two years reconditioning myself to use words (it takes a lot of patience and tears, that’s for sure, and the process is still ongoing). Sky, my three-year old, has hit me a few times and finally, I had to hold her hands down and in a very angry voice, told her, “YOU MUST NOT HIT ME. HITTING MOMMY MAKES ME ANGRY AND SAD. HANDS ARE NOT FOR HITTING!” It took a few times, lemme tell ya.
But it’s worth a try. More worth it than the guilt I’ve felt from hitting my kids. As much as we try to justify it with “my dad/mom used to hit me, I turned out fine what!”, violence as a disciplinary method (and often mistaken as Asian – spanking is actually historically Roman) is counter productive. And makes you, the parent, feel like shit afterwards.
That’s my 2 sen.
I don’t have a cane at home, but when Irfan does misbehave, I give him a smack (or two) on his bums – which is padded with the diaper. Not very hard, but he does get the meaning – that he’s being naughty and I’m upset. Of course, I feel like crap afterwards. Irwan, on the other hand, tries the reasoning method with him, and most times, it works. So, I don’t know. I’ll prolly stick with the reasoning method after this. Haha. But when you’re tired from work and the drive home, sigh, brains just don’t function too well.
I hope Zara is feeling better now. I’m sure she loves you to bits. She was just cranky, hence the hurtful words. I hope you’re okay now too.
No offense yeah but she does wrong, you still have to “pujuk” her?? You don’t necessary need a cane. You can try to start teaching her about punishment.
Ouch, that hurt. Like your hubby told you, Zara didnt mean it. Sometimes children just picked up words and imitate gestures that they dont know the real meaning behinds all these words and actions.
It is just a phase and I am sure I will go thru this phase soon.
there are so many advices here and i feel like i am learning a lot while reading …
am sorry to share your story. i am sure she didn’t mean it because i remembered saying things like this too when i was a little girl. i was like 5 or 6 and mum would help to bathe me once in a few days just to make sure i was cleaning myself properly (only started how to bathe myself after kindy). on one day i was being angry on her but didn’t know how to express it. when she offered to help me with the bathe i said ‘no’, when i wanted that badly …
i am sure Zara regretted with her words … hopefully this won’t happen again.
I’m not reading what the others are saying. I think different parents have different approach. But I’m not for the idea of caning. Smacking, scolding is fine, but caning is different. You know, till today, I still bear grudges against my mum for doing that when I was younger. More so because I didn’t think I was very mischievous.
Love is a big motivation for the kids, but too much love is something else. You’ve been patient with her and yes, she has the moods, like us. But there is a limit. I think sometimes, turning away and showing you’re angry does the trick. She has been the centre of attention for so long and now having to share it with Zaria could be difficult for her. My guess is, she’s also doing this to draw attention from you and daddy. She’s still a good kid at heart.
Sometimes I wonder when kids say something when they are mad, did they truly mean it. You know, when adults fight, we said the darnest thing, and the things that we kept in our heart and blurt out all in that one moment? I’m not sure if I’m right but maybe Zara is a lil jealous over you spending more time with Zaria? I’m a new mother myself and I really doubt I will have as much patience as you when it comes to dealing with kid’s emotions. I try la…….. 😛
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