Love is a big motivation for the kids, but too much love is something else. You’ve been patient with her and yes, she has the moods, like us. But there is a limit. I think sometimes, turning away and showing you’re angry does the trick. She has been the centre of attention for so long and now having to share it with Zaria could be difficult for her. My guess is, she’s also doing this to draw attention from you and daddy. She’s still a good kid at heart.

am sorry to share your story. i am sure she didn’t mean it because i remembered saying things like this too when i was a little girl. i was like 5 or 6 and mum would help to bathe me once in a few days just to make sure i was cleaning myself properly (only started how to bathe myself after kindy). on one day i was being angry on her but didn’t know how to express it. when she offered to help me with the bathe i said ‘no’, when i wanted that badly …

i am sure Zara regretted with her words … hopefully this won’t happen again.

It is just a phase and I am sure I will go thru this phase soon.

I hope Zara is feeling better now. I’m sure she loves you to bits. She was just cranky, hence the hurtful words. I hope you’re okay now too.

I think as parents we forget that our children are just that – children, and oftentimes it’s more an issue of failure of communication, to reduce our thoughts, feelings and actions to words, words that kids can understand.

Comparing Malaysian and American ways of raising kids, I find that we (as Malaysians) don’t seem to use a lot of words and tend to always jump to the conclusion that our kids are children, hence they won’t understand (and hence resorting to the most incommunicative solution of all – pain and fear) instead of trying to find the words to label, identify each emotion and frustration (I am jealous, I am sad, I am angry with you) so that instead of hitting or crying or screaming, they use those words. In the end, I believe it’s just the frustration of not being able to tell you what they’re going through.

I spent the last two years reconditioning myself to use words (it takes a lot of patience and tears, that’s for sure, and the process is still ongoing). Sky, my three-year old, has hit me a few times and finally, I had to hold her hands down and in a very angry voice, told her, “YOU MUST NOT HIT ME. HITTING MOMMY MAKES ME ANGRY AND SAD. HANDS ARE NOT FOR HITTING!” It took a few times, lemme tell ya.

But it’s worth a try. More worth it than the guilt I’ve felt from hitting my kids. As much as we try to justify it with “my dad/mom used to hit me, I turned out fine what!”, violence as a disciplinary method (and often mistaken as Asian – spanking is actually historically Roman) is counter productive. And makes you, the parent, feel like shit afterwards.

That’s my 2 sen.

PS: I think you’re a great mom — so patient.